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DC Comics
Creators plan more heat for Wonder Woman and Superman.

Not tonight, DC, I have a seismic headache

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Wonder Woman and Superman are officially an item, locking lips in a passionate embrace in the "Justice League 12" issue.

Finally, there’s a comic book for the sort of Superman fan who has never been afraid to ask tough questions like, “Sure, he can lift a continent. But can he get to first base?”

The answer to that particular tough question appears to be, “Yes.”

Superman and Wonder Woman shared a kiss in “Justice League #12,” which came out at the end of August.

They are slated to share much more.

Jim Lee, an artist and co-publisher with DC Comics, told ABC News that the kiss is not a “stunt or an alternate-reality smooch.”

Yes, this promises to be as real and complex a relationship as has ever been depicted in the panels of any comic book that has not also had Nancy and Sluggo in it.

“Justice League” writer Geoff Johns told Entertainment Weekly that the affair will have a seismic impact on all the heroes and villains in the DC Comics universe.

Only a true comic book nerd could use the phrase “seismic impact” to refer to superhero romance and do it in such a non-ironic way that readers are forced to conclude he has never heard the phrase, “Did the earth move for you?”

“Hopefully this will raise a lot of eyebrows,” Lee told Entertainment Weekly, forgetting for the moment that the noise made by the arching of millions of eyebrows sounds to Superman’s sensitive ears like steel girders crashing through panes of glass.

If that isn’t enough to put a superhero off of romance forever, I don’t know what is.

Maybe it would have been better if something or someone had put him off it.

I don’t know how other comic book fans are reacting to this storyline, but this middle-aged nerd’s increasingly Andy Rooney-like eyebrows are unmoved.

There are lots of reasons why the amatory pairing of these two beloved behemoths is either a dumb or a dilapidated idea.

First of all, many experts believe that workplace romances are to be avoided, even when your workplace is the universe. Especially if your workplace is the universe.

When you are a superhero who is constantly under observation by omnipotent villains and omniscient busybodies, it is hard to sneak a snuggle in the break room, presuming you can even find a break room that would be sufficient to the task.

Workplace romances can also negatively impact productivity and professionalism.

Not only do public displays of affection undermine a superhero’s street cred, they are potentially destructive.

If Edward Lorenz was correct when he suggested that the flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil could set off a tornado in Texas, imagine how much more damage Wonder Woman could do in Texas by blowing in Superman’s ear?

The biggest obstacle, however, to a successful (meaning, lucrative for DC Comics) courtship between Superman and Wonder Woman is that they are two of the most intrinsically boring superheroes ever created.

They are perfect-looking, they have few weaknesses, and they rarely do anything wrong. They are the Ken and Barbie of demi-godhood.

Now, I’d be interested to find out why an indestructible paragon of virtue like Superman might be attracted to a woman who possesses the “Lasso of Truth,” a magic rope that forces anyone who is tied up with it to reveal his deepest secrets. But is DC likely to go down that narrative avenue?

Probably not.

If you are wondering how Superman’s longtime paramour Lois Lane feels about all this, the answer – seemingly – is that she feels nothing.

Little more than a year ago, Superman’s alter ego Clark Kent was married to Lane, but DC has since rebooted the whole Superman storyline.

Today, Lane thinks of Kent as a friend, albeit an odd sort of friend who never takes off his glasses, even when Perry White spit-talks on them.

I don’t think I am the only fan of comic books and comic book films that has reboot fatigue.

How pivotal can any plot development in a comic book series or movie franchise be if there’s a good chance it’ll be rebooted out of existence in a year?

For all we know, Superman may – by next September – be dating Green Lantern and Wonder Woman may be wooing Lois Lane.

Come to think of it, if DC Comics could promise me that the Lasso of Truth would be featured prominently in that series, I’d subscribe now.

Steve Penhollow is an arts and entertainment writer for The Journal Gazette. His column appears Sundays. He appears Fridays on WPTA-TV, Channel 21, WISE-TV, Channel 33, and WBYR, 98.9 FM to talk about area happenings. Email him at spen@jg.net. A Facebook page for “Rants & Raves” can be accessed at www.facebook.com/pages.

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